I am guilty as charged. I judge people, and I know I’m not alone. But here is my secret if you must know, and that is that I don’t just judge anyone, but mostly overweight people. Yes, my own kind.
I am not someone who can say I have always been overweight. Extra curvy? (or thicke as my husband used to like to say).... yes. But I have not maintained an overweight status for the past two decades but rather yo-yo dieted up and down. I have been a registered member of the popular diet center Weight Watchers over twenty times since I was 13 years old and most of those times I was successful, until I quit to “do it on my own” and gained it all back and then some. I feel like I have enough information stowed in my head to be a goddamned diet and exercise expert, if only I could follow my own advice!
Right now I have been back at my top weight for three years (rebound gain after a two year struggle to take it all off, over 80 pounds worth!) and I am miserable. We all know that misery loves company, and I seem to have a weird magnetism to other overweight people. Though, I can honestly say that it’s not my friends that I am judging (seriously) because I can TALK to them about how they feel. It’s those I see across a room that I am thinking about. I am looking at the woman whose bottom is too big for her dining chair and I am thinking:
How did she get so big?
Does she realize how big she is?
Does she work?
Does she hate being fat, or does she not care?
Has she ever even tried to diet?
Does she wish things were different?
I hate that I do this, but I know on a subconscious level that it’s because I am still answering those questions for myself. I feel like people are staring at me the same way.
As for an update on my Lap Band journey, I am ANXIOUSLY awaiting my first meeting with the surgeon. Because I am using insurance benefits, I have to wait until my 6 months of dietary monitoring is over and that will be on SEPTEMBER 10! It’s crazy that I made this decision on Easter weekend and I am still waiting to get things going, but I knew this was part of the game, and I’m still in the race.