Super Inspired Writer

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Thursday, February 28


For the love of God people, stop spending so much time acting appalled every time you hear someone drop the f-bomb and teach your children not to call people FAT. That is the true F-word.

Today was my last day teaching before my medical leave and the memory I was left with was a Kindergartener saying me and another teacher have something in common, we are both FAT! I know I need to consider the source, it is a 5-year-old with an IEP, but still that shit cuts like a knife. I don’t know why it is so easy for parents to pretend that they don’t know where their child is hearing profanity, but why it is so hard to teach them to never say someone is fat. That is one of the most offensive things you can call someone, in my opinion. To say someone is fat is to say they have given up, that they are lazy and unattractive and LESS of a person because of their size. It is a discrimination against a culture of people no different than racism and it is UGLY. Pardon my French, but I am going on record by saying I would rather my 5 and 7-year old tell someone to fuck off before they tell someone they are fat.  

The joke is on you, Kindergartener, (inappropriate snicker), because this girl isn’t going to be fat for long.

This week I had my final pre-op appointments with my surgeon and my primary care doc. They ordered a bunch of lab work such as an EKG, blood draw, and a chest x-ray.  I have never had a problem getting blood drawn  (although the prerequisite pregnancy test caused some fun banter back at home)  and the worst part of the EKG was that it was freezing and I had to strip down from the  waist up. The least they can do if they are going to ask someone to lay on the table with their girls out is to install a space heater for that shit.

And I’m REALLY not going to complain about the chest x-ray because the tech was super hot. He had fair hair and eyes like I like….and was tan…..and had a foreign accent.  In fact, I think I feel some bronchitis coming on…cough, cough.

So here we are. Work is done. Labs are done. Appointments are done. Hair dye, eyebrow waxing, and pedicure are all done. All that is left is a mad cleaning of the house, getting the kids ready for the next week of school-like business as usual, and packing my bag for my overnight to include but not be limited to the new Twilight movie, and Ellen Degeneres’ latest comedy memoir.

Thursday, February 21

Shake it up, Baby!

Ten Things Thursday, Shake Edition

1.       Shake Day 4, shakes are a bore, I want to eat MORE!!

2.       To shake or not to shake, that is the question….but not an option for me for the next 10 days.

3.       I will say however……..there is more variety to the shakes than I had originally given them credit for.  I have had some shaken (not stirred), some blended with ice, one with added veggies warmed up like a soup (chicken flavor), and hot cocoa style today for breakfast.  In fact, I have yet to repeat a “recipe”.

4.      There are actual recipes for weight loss shakes. No shit. You can add mint extract, or hot sauce (no frickin joke my nutritionist recommended this to me and it really spices things up pun intended.) Also there is this new organic, all healthy, kinda creepy powdered peanut butter called PB2 that can be added to make Reese's flavor. Or add instant decaf coffee to make a Frappuccino.

5.      Apparent to everyone but me while I have been under my rock drinking shakes, there is a new dance craze out called the “Harlem Shake.” I find this both extremely amusing and eerily coincidental.

6.       1 <3 my Magic Bullet.

7.      The Chocolate Pudding flavor shake is really pudding and not a shake. Probably should have thought that one through before I shook it up with ice.

8.      I didn’t know it was physically possible for my body to hold so much liquid at a time. I am going to dominate our next road trip!
9.  I am thinking of putting together a shake insprired playlist for my iPod to include but not be limited to "Shake it up Baby Now," "Shake, Shake, Shake Your Booty," "Hippie, Hippie Shake," "Shake, Rattle, and Roll," and my all time fav Eminem's "Shake that Ass for Me."

10.   I am effing starving right now.

Monday, February 18

Hunger Games

Today was the big day that I started my 2 week pre-op diet. Supposedly, the two week diet serves more than one purpose. It is primarily designed to be a rapid weight loss program so that your liver will shrink and be less fatty for surgery since it has to be “picked up with a little shovel”  (– and I quote my Nutritionist, Kara) through one of the four holes during the laparoscopy.  Also, your body needs to start detoxing from caffeine, fat and carbs BEFORE the surgery so when you get back home you aren’t suffering from coffee extra cream deprivation.  Lastly, the lower your overall weight and BMI, the better outcome of everything from the anesthesia to the recovery so less is more in this case, so to speak.

My diet for the two weeks is as follows:  Shake for breakfast, Shake for lunch, , and then a sensible dinner. I feel like I owe SlimFast a damned royalty for reciting their commercial, but truly that’s what it is. My shakes are not SlimFast, but rather New Directions brand that I had to purchase at the Hospital. Today I sampled strawberry for breakfast, which brought back memories of Strawberry Quick, and chocolate for lunch, blended to perfection in the Magic Bullet. The chocolate shake was far superior but really both were just fine.

….Until hunger hit me like nobody’s business at 5pm. And I mean REAL hunger, not just the I’m bored and dinner isn’t for another hour so I’ll eat this bag of Doritos hunger. I look through my info packet hoping I missed something and low and behold, I am also supposed to be drinking 64 oz of water as well as drinking shakes. The only liquid I had all day was half of a large McD’s iced tea, which is zero calories I am happy to report… oops. After replenishing with a vitamin water, I felt much better, and it tided me over until I could eat my salad for dinner.

All things said and done, today was a victory. It was NOT easy by any means, but I did it, and my adorable Hubs, the man that he is, took my son to Taco Bell to eat THERE so I didn’t have to be near kryptonite.

And forward we go…

Wednesday, February 13

The "Last Supper"

So….coincidentally, the start of Lent and my last week of food binging fall on top of each other…I see your irony God, I got you.

Me and my son gave up pop for lent so that actually starts today. I may or may not indulge in one last LARGE DIET COKE from McD’s… version of heroin…on Sunday night, and in some lenient sects of Catholicism (the made up Lent rules mostly by lazo’s) Sunday is a day off of your fasting. Oh, and a Big Mac! So Hubs, when you read this it’s prob not wise to be in your jammies before 10 o’clock on Sunday night.  Like a nine month pregnant woman, this Mama’s gonna have a craving and you are running an errand!

If you have ever started a new diet or fitness plan, you are probably accustomed to the concept of the “Last Supper”.  The famous “Last Supper” of course was Jesus’ big banquet before shit went downhill for him, and dieters use this term to describe their final episodes of poor eating before a big diet is about to start. As a serial Weight Watchers member, I have had several Last Suppers in my life. In fact, this gorging led to a high starting weight which meant your fist weigh in was going to be epic.  Sadly, and we all know how the song goes, eventually you miss your poor habits and go back to your old ways and that last supper meal becomes a part of your regular life once again.

I am hoping I am TELLING MYSELF that I cannot go back to my old ways this time. It will not be an option because I am having goddamned surgery in two weeks and don’t want to end up back in the hospital with a slipped band.  I am not going to go through all of this and make a surgical commitment for nothing. Plus, I don’t think it will ever be physically possible again for me to swing by fast food establishments and gulp down an extra value meal like nobody’s business without it coming back up to say hi. A few of my friends have asked what types of foods I will be able to eat after surgery and the short answer is that there is no rule as far as what will be a hard limit for me (I’m giggling at you because I just used a 50SOG term.) I know a few Bandsters on my forums and in my support groups that can take small sips of pop, or small bites of bread, and others who have a hard time getting those items down but can eat dry ass chicken.  Also, those same new buddies of mine share that at different times of day different things go down easier than others. Sometimes, a warm coffee or tea is needed to get the band ready to rock.

At any rate, I am choosing to have several “Last Supper” meals this week (because one just aint gonna do it this time). The folks at McDonald’s are going to make a frickin’ fortune this week off of me and then next week will be investigating my death. Next week is the two week countdown and I start my special pre-op diet and for surgery to be as successful as possible I really don’t have much room for error. My before weight will be taken on Monday 2/18 (which I will NOT share so don’t even bother) and the weight loss will begin. I will then fire up the Magic Bullet and the Protien shake festival will commence.

This joke is only funny on Ash Wednesday, or maybe not at all in good taste but that’s the way I roll, but I guess getting my band will be like Good Friday (death to my current life) and getting to my goal weight will be like Easter? SHE IS RISEN!!

Saturday, February 9

Dies Irae

Tuesday is Mardi Gras, or Fat Tuesday. This day is a professional eater’s ultimate holiday, the only day of the year it is not only acceptable to gorge yourself but also almost sacrilege not to. We owe it to the Highest to stuff our faces with everything from Paczi pastries to jambalaya, all while wearing plastic beads around our necks (while still wearing our shirts, or not). As a “buffet-table-Catholic”, I take what I want from my religion and leave the rest behind. Some people disagree with this but to them I say judge not lest ye be judged. Jesus and I have an understanding. It’s cool. And my husband is Methodist so his undertaking of the permanent birth-control saved my soul, such a good guy that he is. (If you know me, you know the sarcasm is clogging my throat)

That being said, my family and I do practice Lent. I think it’s important for adults, and children especially, to willingly sacrifice something once a year just to keep themselves grounded. In a time where we live such gluttonous lifestyles, it’s good to remember what it means to not be able to have something. Many of us remember being children that were often told they could not have something, just to grow up as parents that now have the resources to stop at McD’s every day if we want to. Our kids don’t know what it is to be without, and be okay. My son is making his communion this year so it will be the first year that he practices (by force of course) Lent with me. We are giving up pop……I, obviously, am giving it up indefinitely. And aspirins.

I have tears in my eyes as I say goodbye to my two favorite vices. I write this eulogy to Diet Pepsi and Excedrin, my friends whom have always been there for me through thick and thin. They have helped me through some really difficult times, and likewise some celebrations.  In the middle of the night, when I have one of those dreams, my aspirins comfort me in the darkness.  When the day looks like I should have stayed hidden under my Snuggie, a silver can of love is enough to get me through the day. And when I am hung over from a night of booze and my babe, my two special friends help me hold it together.
You will be forever in my heart, and forever missed. But I am a strong woman, and just like Jackie Kennedy I shall stand tall as I mourn.

Friday, February 8

System Overload

My mind is racing and I’m having a hard time stopping to listen to my thoughts and saying what I want to say exactly how I want to say it. I can’t believe after nearly a year that it is now right around the corner. My thoughts are like spaghetti, interweaving, intertwining, rapid fire in my brain. I am a person of checklists and syllabi, and step-by-step directions.  I find myself constantly digging through my three inch binder of information for something I may have missed which will throw a glitch in the order. But it’s all still there, the prep work done and the approval sent, and I’m all authorized and official and no matter how many times I blink, it still says the same thing, surgery March 4.

I have my appointment with the nutritionist on Monday and have been asked to pay $125 which will buy me two shakes and one protein bar per day for two weeks.  The third meal every day will be a “grocery meal” that I can cook and eat, only to contain protein and vegetables. I see a LOT  of egg-white omelets in my future. Even so I can’t wait for this to start because it will be something tangible and will mean it is really HAPPENING!

I have scheduled a photo-shoot with my husband to take place before this two week pre-op since that is when I will officially start losing weight. I had ordered a tank top online and have black capris, and I found a set of those baby onesie stickers that have the months written on them like new-age modern Pinterest  parents use for the baby’s monthly milestone pictures. Like a newborn myself, I can document how I change. I don’t know that I’ll have the courage to show that before picture to anyone, but it will be for me, to remind me where I came from, and remind me where I need to go. And who knows, if I had the courage to do this whole process, maybe I have the courage to do anything. When I lose my weight I just might share my before and after pics on my online forum so that I can be inspiring to someone else.

For now, I will check and double check my binder, I will pack and re-pack my hospital bag, I will purge and restock the pantry, and I will try and remember to breathe.