THAT WAS 60!!
Thursday, August 29
Monday, August 26
|My big-girl shoes!|
This past weekend was the last one of <my> summer and of course I had two major celebrations to get through, my cousin’s bridal shower, and baptizing my Godson with my husband. I was able to wear both of the cheap dresses I found in the back of my closet but if that’s not amazing enough….I WORE HEELS FOR 4 HOURS on Sunday! That’s right! I did not faint, trip, cry or die…I just wore the f-ing heels and was a boss. It is one of my favorite NSVs (non-scale-victory) as of yet.
Secondly I would like to share that although I have written over and over that for the past six weeks I have hovered at the same weight losing over the week and gaining back on the weekends…. this time I decided that was NOT going to happen. It just was NOT. And it DIDN’T. I got though the weekend food fest and stayed low so now I can start a fresh new week without having to backtrack.
My first step was that I lowered my calorie intake into my fitness pal. I went from allowing 1200 calories a day to 999 calories a day. It’s kind of a freaky number to look at but it seemed more legit than a full 1000. If you think that is not enough calories for me to be “healthy” it really is because banded people should only be able to eat about that when at ideal fill which I am not at yet. Also, that is taking into consideration the fact that I burn about 350 calories or so when I walk three miles/5 days a week. That really means I can eat almost 1400 calories a day. See, I really can apply that algebra from high school.
Secondly, I recommitted myself to the Band Diet Rules. Calories and exercise are huge, but I am under nutritionist instructions, not the local diet center. That being said, I laid the hell off carbs. You know that I am not someone who thinks no-carb is healthy, but at the same time, I have realized the truth to eating low-carb. On my band diet, we are supposed to avoid bread, corn, potatoes, and peas. We are supposed to eat firm proteins first and then and only then if we are still hungry eat some sides. Oh, and not drinking until at least 30 minutes after a meal…haven’t been paying too close attention to that one either so maybe that was one of the culprits.
Isn’t it amazing how when you FOLLOW THE DAMN RULES suddenly good things begin to happen? Put a huge smile on my face today for the first day of school =)
Wednesday, August 21
I got my scale back!! After a lot of pressuring, begging, and overall crabbiness I convinced the Hubs to put the scale back. He of course did it after I was in bed so that I wouldn’t see where it had been hidden but if he thinks this is going to happen again I will have to hide his beloved sunglasses….karma’s a bitch my LOVE!!!
Okay, so now I’m back to speaking to the rest of you. Today is the last day of my summer vaca and it has been great. I can say with certainty that I am ready for the school year to start. As someone who longs for regulation and routine, I will be happy to be on a schedule, and to have my kids being occupied by someone other than myself for 7 hours a day.
I went through my closet and got rid of all the too big items. It’s funny because I know from past weight loss experiences that you are supposed to get rid of EVERYTHING once it doesn’t fit so that you have no comfort zone to gain weight back…but there are some items that I love, or that were expensive, or that I have good memories in, so I think I might save them under the bed with my bathing suits and sundresses kinda like a time capsule of where I have been. And it really gives you a good look at your body. I know that the fashion magazines say there are three body types: apple, pear, and chili pepper…but I am none of those. Nope, I am an entirely body type altogether which I call BBG (Boobs, Butt, and Gut). But every day I am learning to embrace it. Weight loss, and not even weight loss surgery changes your shape, just makes your shape smaller and more manageable.
I tried on everything that had been under the bed waiting for me to drop sizes, and there were some things I wondered why I bothered keeping because I no longer liked them, but there was a lot of clothes to start the school year. I can probably wear a different top for a month before I have to repeat. I also purchased a jean jacket so I can stretch out the life of my maxi dresses.
And boots. I want boots. I got over my high-heel hump and took the plunge ( I even wore a pair out on date night Saturday!!) and now I need to find a pair of boots that I like and go with my wardrobe. No matter how much weight I have lost I have GINORM calves so this is going to be a much harder investigation. But I’m in no rush, I hope to find a pair for the holidays so I have time.
It’s back to school I go!!!
Sunday, August 18
When I was a member of Weight Watchers (or FA as we called it in the college dorm…Fatties Anonymous) we had a saying, which was “Bite it, write it.” What that meant was that no matter how much you were or weren’t eating, you had to promise to write it down in your food tracker. That all those little BLT’s (bites, licks, and tastes) were adding up to some serious points (which is their propaganda for calories…50 calories=1 point, did I just blow your mind?) Now that I am keeping track of my calories on my iPhone, I find the same problem happening. A bite of chicken nugget here. A potato chip there. It all adds up and could be a few hundred calories a day even over your goal. As a lap-band patient, we are not supposed to be snackers or grazers because that’s not how the band best functions. We are supposed to eat three meals a day, with lots of water in between. I find myself starting to slack when it comes to these BLT’s. It’s just too easy to put a morsel of food in your mouth and try and pretend it never happened. I know I’m not alone of course because on the tracking app there are entries such as “one fry” or “1/8 cup of ice cream” which is two spoonful. Still, it’s a bad habit that drives me crazy where I don’t want to eat in the same room as my kids for fear of cleaning their plates for them and I don’t mean in the sink. I am almost at the half-year mark and I am still learning my quirks, and in the meantime I am stuck in the mud.
I also made the mistake of writing about how my relationship with the scale was unhealthy. Someone reading that post who shall remain nameless has hidden the scale on me and I am suffering. If you think I’m acting too dramatic you don’t understand. I have a serious addiction and even though I have other indicators for my weight loss I NEED that scale every day just like I need my morning cup of coffee. It’s part of me.
I have been really hitting the trail every day and am now up to 2-3 miles at a time, but during the weekends food is just EVERYWHERE and I feel just like a recovering alcoholic who goes bar hopping. You start by just taking a bite, then a small serving, then a second, and then the goddamned roof caves in. Because I am not filled enough yet, the burning in my chest that I get when I have had too much is still not soon enough calorie wise. If I’m not paying attention to my portions and I feel the tightness I have already gone overboard.
At each of my fills I have only gotten 1cc and I don’t think my surgeon will fill more than that so hopefully the next one get’s me closer even if I’m not there yet.
Friday, August 16
It’s been a long few weeks. I’m so tired of being a slave to the scale I want to throw the damn thing out the window, but I’m too addicted to avoid it. It’s true and it’s a real addiction and I hate it. Why not hide it, you ask? Because part of me is very afraid that if I don’t have it for daily checks and balances that I will find myself having gained a ton weight and I will be mortified. I know I am not perfect, and I am eating chips on occasion, but when I do I COUNT it, writing down every calorie and 4 out of 6 days a week I am under my calorie goal and the other two days I’m just barely over by a hundred calories or so. I am walking several times a week for a few miles at least, making no excuses, trying different paths and enjoying different playlists. So WHY THE HELL isn’t the scale moving?? I don’t know what more I can do.
But be patient. But keep going. But get another fill and hope to fuck it does the trick this time.
Meanwhile, even though the scale is being an asshole, my body is different. Stronger. More flexible. I don’t realize it because I am too wrapped up with the lack of numeric progress to notice that I am leaner and faster.
Give tonight for example. My husband got us tickets to a minor-league baseball game complete with food and fireworks. After the game we were all invited to run the bases. My first instinct was to stand on the sideline and take a picture with my iPhone. That’s the role I normally play, no questions asked. And for some reason I thought, I wonder if I can run the bases now. No, probably not. But…maybe? Better to not even try. Okay I’m going to do it.
My family ran ahead of me, my son sprinted and left us in the dust with my husband coming in second. My laz-o first grader who’d rather sunbathe than lift a finger ran up ahead of me. I came in last.
But I ran, for the first time in years.
…Okay…I jogged…..slowly….but I made it around all the bases and was able to talk and breathe afterwards. Even though I’m going to wake up in the morning and feel like shit because I won’t have lost any weight, I’m telling myself that this experience cancels that out. That maybe the fitness experts know something I don’t after all and that there is more than one way to measure body success. Or maybe I just need to keep running.
So here is my Walk-To-Run plan which I found on Pinterest….
Wish me luck.
Wednesday, August 14
I did it.
I bought a pair of high heels. Nude patent leather high heels like on TV. And they fit. And I can walk. Sorta.
When I got home I tried on the dress I bought them for and they looked perfect and I felt very sexy sophisticated. Especially when I was just standing there and not walking. But I did it, I walked into the Shoe Carnival and said I am 35-years-old and lost damn near 60 pounds and I can step back into heels!!
I decided to inventory my dress shoes since I had just recently found a treasure of clothes under my bed. If I could find and buy a new pair of shoes today, maybe just maybe there were some goodies in my shoe closet that I could reintroduce myself with. It was just like a shoe reunion.
Black heels, brown heels, leather heels, boots with heels, platform heels, strappy heels, and pump heels. I not only wondered where and when I could possibly wear these shoes, but also, where and when DID I wear these shoes? I’ve been avoiding the painful height requirement for so long that I had forgotten that I stepped out what felt like a lifetime ago in those shoes. Because that’s what extra weight does to you, it wraps you up like a thick blanket making you feel like you are worth nothing but fuzzy slippers. That you are not sexy sophisticated but that if you are comfortable that is good enough for you. But it’s no longer good enough for me. My inner goddess, well actually my lap-band “Lola”, is a badass and she wears heels and kills the hearts of rich men in them too. Lola is deep inside still under layers of life and lesson, but I am learning from her.
Don’t get me wrong, I still plan on wearing flats, flops, and gym shoes as I go about my daily life. You won’t see me hopping like a frickin’ frog in my music classroom in a pair of Bandolino’s. But I know they are there, and I miss them, and I hope to take them out on a few dates soon.