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Sunday, August 18

Control

When I was a member of Weight Watchers (or FA as we called it in the college dorm…Fatties Anonymous) we had a saying, which was “Bite it, write it.” What that meant was that no matter how much you were or weren’t eating, you had to promise to write it down in your food tracker. That all those little BLT’s (bites, licks, and tastes) were adding up to some serious points (which is their propaganda for calories…50 calories=1 point, did I just blow your mind?) Now that I am keeping track of my calories on my iPhone, I find the same problem happening. A bite of chicken nugget here. A potato chip there. It all adds up and could be a few hundred calories a day even over your goal. As a lap-band patient, we are not supposed to be snackers or grazers because that’s not how the band best functions. We are supposed to eat three meals a day, with lots of water in between. I find myself starting to slack when it comes to these BLT’s. It’s just too easy to put a morsel of food in your mouth and try and pretend it never happened. I know I’m not alone of course because on the tracking app there are entries such as “one fry” or “1/8 cup of ice cream” which is two spoonful. Still, it’s a bad habit that drives me crazy where I don’t want to eat in the same room as my kids for fear of cleaning their plates for them and I don’t mean in the sink. I am almost at the half-year mark and I am still learning my quirks, and in the meantime I am stuck in the mud.
I also made the mistake of writing about how my relationship with the scale was unhealthy. Someone reading that post who shall remain nameless has hidden the scale on me and I am suffering. If you think I’m acting too dramatic you don’t understand. I have a serious addiction and even though I have other indicators for my weight loss I NEED that scale every day just like I need my morning cup of coffee. It’s part of me.
I have been really hitting the trail every day and am now up to 2-3 miles at a time, but during the weekends food is just EVERYWHERE and I feel just like a recovering alcoholic who goes bar hopping. You start by just taking a bite, then a small serving, then a second, and then the goddamned roof caves in. Because I am not filled enough yet, the burning in my chest that I get when I have had too much is still not soon enough calorie wise. If I’m not paying attention to my portions and I feel the tightness I have already gone overboard.

At each of my fills I have only gotten 1cc and I don’t think my surgeon will fill more than that so hopefully the next one get’s me closer even if I’m not there yet.

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