We joined a gym! I’m actually pretty excited about this because not only is it awesome health wise but also because I have always wanted to be that family with a gym membership. You know what I’m talking about, that family that owns attractive athletic clothing and actually looks forward to spending a beautiful Sunday together sculpting themselves. So far, I have already gone twice and used the track and my legs are really feeling the burn. I am still using the 5K Runner app and slowly adding in jogging to my routine, and each time I feel like jogging is becoming just a little bit easier. By easier I mean that I can complete one lap without stopping, which is 1/9 of a mile. But it’s something. By spring I hope to jog a full 5K. The new me knows I can do it but the old me who is still whispering in my ear is laughing and saying it’s ridiculous. Why do I continue to doubt myself? Because it’s all I know.
Prime example. I also took my ring in to get sized this weekend. First let me preface by saying that my wedding set has been sized no less than 5 times in 11 years. I’m not even joking. In fact, the bottom where the three pieces were soldered together was getting so jacked-up that they had to cut the entire bottom of the ring off and make a new shank for it. I would get the ring sized down when I would lose weight, which would never last for long, then wait until it was cutting off my goddamned circulation before I went back in to get it sized up again. As I yo-yo’d up and down, my ring yo-yo’d with me. When I went in this time, I had the same anxiety as always when I sized it down, wondering if I should even bother since I would just be back in six months to size is up again. I still constantly doubt myself when it comes to maintaining my new life. But here is where the hope sets in that no I won’t be back because no this time I won’t gain the weight back. It is OK to size my ring down because YES it will still fit by my birthday.
Sure, does it freak me out that statistically as with any weight loss, surgery guided or otherwise, that people can and do gain their weight back?? Yes of course, I know that just because I am banded doesn’t mean that I can’t slip off the wagon. But I also know that those that slip are those that stop going to maintenance appointments, or start drinking calories, or just stop being committed in general.
In MY delusions of grandeur I will be the Lap-Band poster child on every bariatric surgeon’s wall. I really have no choice but to think that way. I just have to. I have to get my ring sized confidently and believe that this time it will stay small. I have to join the neighborhood gym and believe that this time I will actually use every dollar toward my membership by working out. I have to hush that whispering voice and tell it this time will be different, because…after all… I am different this time.