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Thursday, November 28

Thanksgiving

Where do I even begin?

At the beginning I suppose.

Last year at this time I was drowning. Suffocating in my own skin.

I was hoping, praying, and believing that so much more was possible. I was desperate and crying for help knowing that no one could help me but myself.

And then I did it. I held my breath and I swam with all my might.  In a such a short time I started to see the sky above the water, my eyes became unblurred. My lungs screamed.

I surfaced and for the first time in years I could breath again.

Last year I made a list of things I was Thankful for. My family, my job, and et cetra, et cetra.

Today I am thankful for one thing and one thing only. Because without this one thing you don’t have the others anyway. They may be there around you, but you are not able to see them clearly. You are not able to appreciate them, or cherish them.

My health.

I am thankful that I can breath. I am thankful that I can run. I am thankful that I can carry. I am thankful that my blood is pumping and that my liver is filtering and my mind is racing and my heart is loving.

I am alive. And I am so very THANKFUL.

Tuesday, November 26

Numbers Don't Lie

It’s so easy to be slave to the scale. It’s there every day, waiting for you during that very short window between when you wake up, go to the bathroom, and get undressed to jump in the shower. Your stomach is empty from a night of sleep, and depending on how many blankets you have piled on your bed, your body has sweat out a decent amount of water weight. When you don’t see what you like, you get discouraged, frustrated, and may even say to hell with all this and eat a shit ton of junk food that day. When you do see what you want, you feel empowered and positive and motivated. Such a small contraption has such a hold over our emotional health, very much so more than our physical health.

You have heard me say how frustrated I am personally with my stall in weight loss. Today I went to see my dream team of pros and got some solid answers.

First of all, they were thrilled with my 4 lb. weight loss since September 10. They said that I have lost more than most of their Lap-Band patients, a total of 58% of my excess body weight. They also reminded me that unlike the other more invasive surgeries, band patients can expect to lose their weight over the course of 1-3 years. I’m 9 months out. I’m ahead of schedule. Then they ask you what you have been eating. It would be so much easier to lie and say grilled chicken and broccoli every night, but in reality who would that help? I admitted that last week I ate a Jimmy John’s sub for lunch with no problems….which is not supposed to be possible. The surgeon said that he would probably give me a whole cc based on that admittance, but because it’s Thanksgiving and he doesn’t want me sick for the long weekend I only got shot with ½ cc. This gives me 3 cc total now.

I then asked them about my “goal weight” and if I had one. Everyone is asking me how much I need to lose, and I have been saying an even hundo because that’s MY goal with forty two pounds to go. Still I wondered what the center was thinking since they hadn’t really said much about an end goal. Pretty much they want to see a BMI of 29 or under. They also said not to look online at weight charts because some of the healthy weight ranges are hard for most people to reach, even athletes. A BMI of 29 is still “overweight” but if you are active and your body is mostly lean muscle, then the number on the scale isn’t something to fret about.

At the end of my appointment I asked for a Body Fat Analysis. The last time I was on that machine was last November so it had been a full year since I got data. DAMN was that a wake up call. First of all, I have lost 55 lbs of FAT and only 1 lb of LEAN MUSCLE, which they were pretty impressed by.  It’s all the working out. I told them about my new found love of Zumba and my new shoes. Their response was, “they have Zumba shoes??”


So now we move on to a dieters worst nightmare of seasons. But I’m not a dieter. I am a Lap-Band patient. This is my life now and I have so much to be thankful for.

Monday, November 25

Shortcomings...

You know, it’s all getting really old. These days I feel like I’m doing nothing but running on a hamster wheel to nowhere. Everyday and everything is the same. Body, relationships, expectations, responsibilities, friendships, roles, quotas. No one is perfect and neither am I. I’m slipping into my old ways. I’m letting my mind run the show. I’m losing control. I’m crying again. But all that’s a story for another time.

What makes today different is that now I have a weapon in my arsenal that I haven’t had in the past. I have a team that’s got my back.  When the everyday people in your everyday life are living their own everyday problems, I can call in the reinforcements. They are there for me no matter what (because I pay them, I know.)

I remember at one of my support group meetings, my nutritionist said that we can request to have our body analysis re-taken at one of our next appointments. That way we can see what kind of weight we are actually losing. Fat, muscle, water, it tells you everything you need to know. I sent her an e-mail and said I’d be in the center tomorrow and would love an update. My last body scan was a year ago, and well before I even had my surgery. She thought that was a great idea so hopefully tomorrow I will have some answers and also a game plan to get moving again.

I am also going to plead for a small fill. Although I know that no matter how much I’m filled I still have to be in charge of what I am putting in my mouth, and I have not been so good at this, I really need the control before the Holidays. I won’t be able to get back in to see the good Doc otherwise until after the new year and things could get ugly, just from experience. It is one thing to be stuck hovering over the big seven-oh (which I KNOW I saw about three weeks ago for a brief moment. Long enough to enter it into myfitnesspal and then it slipped away like a smokey mirage). Now I’m on a 5lb teeter totter of hope and popcorn regret.


I can’t control a lot of things. I can’t control the shitastic weather outside this week. I can’t control other people’s choices to act shady. I can’t control the douchey guy I rear-ended. But I can control this.

Wednesday, November 20

Air

It amazes me how things can change in one year’s time. That’s the best part of having a blog is not just being able to dish the dirt with friends and online stalkers alike, but that I can look back at my own entries and remember where I have been for myself. It really helps during a long hard stretch of immobility like I am having to remember that when you step back and look at the picture from a few feet away you see a totally different image. The graph looks like a strait line from here, but from there you can see the steady decline.  From there you can see the changes.

A year ago a medical technician came to my house and set up my CPAP machine. It was absolutely traumatizing to me. I cried to my husband that not only was I fat, but also now I had to suffer the indignity of sleeping with a mask strapped on my face. It felt like the end of the world but it would be a crucial stepping-stone to where I am right now at this very instant. Looking back, how silly I was to be so vain about something so trivial. I couldn’t be here now without having been there and likewise unless I force myself to remember what there looked and felt like, I can’t appreciate here.

So where am I going with all this? Well today I had my one-year check-up with said Pulmonary department. I was nervous because I’m not gonna lie, I wasn’t sure if I was there to just shoot the shit with someone or if I was going back into the glass casket to breath into a tube.  Turns out they just wanted to look at my data from my memory card I had to bring, the one that is in my machine. They saw that I do use the machine every night, and that I do keep it on for at least 6 hours of sleep a night. That I have lost nearly 70 pounds, that there does seem to be much less obstruction. But here is the big news……drumroll please……

Because of my weight loss, my exercising, my overall much better crazy good health changes I have made I get to change my setting from a 9 to a 5!! A 5!! The machine was able to tell them that on average I am only stopping breathing one time per minute……a change from 69 times per minute!! I feel like a corpse coming off  of life support. I can breathe on my own again.

I am here, and I can goddamned breathe.

Monday, November 18

#REALLY?

I have no words for this week. I don’t even know where to begin. All I know is that maybe if I write I will start to self-administer some resemblance of sanity again.

My insides are haywire. Without going into too much detail, there are parts of me that seem to have lost…um…momentum? I knew that I would have to really watch my nutritional levels but really, with as stressed as I have been, my dinner becomes Chicago mix popcorn and coffee and well, that seems to operate like a Swiss bank, it goes in and stays in.

I’ve always been sort of touchy anyways, who am I kidding I’m a real hot mess, but I’m completely out of sorts right now. Everything and everyone is aggravating me. I’ve lost my tolerance for bullshit. My torso is clenched up hard and my core is saying oh hell no.

The scale is not cooperating. Myfitnesspal.com is a big fat liar. It tells me every damn day when I complete my entry that in 5 weeks I will weigh…xyz…and I KNOW it has been at least 5 weeks and I aint seeing that number the great weight loss app oracle is predicting. C’mon!! All I want for Christmas is to lose 5 lbs…too much to ask?? I’m sweating my ass off doing Latin dance and making my daily calorie goal. 1 + 1 = 2, right??

The kids at school are going ape. Mother nature is off her meds. It’s warm one day and cold the next. My adult-onset cradle cap is going fricking crazy. Four more days of school until we are on Thanksgiving break. No, I know we didn’t used to have that when we were kids. No, we aren’t spoiled.

And to top it all off….to pour some good old Morton’s into my wounds….I had to miss Zumba tonight because some jack ass stopped in front of me and I rear-ended him!! My ONE non medicinal stress reliever taken away in an instant.


Can I just strap on my CRAP machine and wake up on Dec 24? K, thanks, bye.