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Monday, November 25


You know, it’s all getting really old. These days I feel like I’m doing nothing but running on a hamster wheel to nowhere. Everyday and everything is the same. Body, relationships, expectations, responsibilities, friendships, roles, quotas. No one is perfect and neither am I. I’m slipping into my old ways. I’m letting my mind run the show. I’m losing control. I’m crying again. But all that’s a story for another time.

What makes today different is that now I have a weapon in my arsenal that I haven’t had in the past. I have a team that’s got my back.  When the everyday people in your everyday life are living their own everyday problems, I can call in the reinforcements. They are there for me no matter what (because I pay them, I know.)

I remember at one of my support group meetings, my nutritionist said that we can request to have our body analysis re-taken at one of our next appointments. That way we can see what kind of weight we are actually losing. Fat, muscle, water, it tells you everything you need to know. I sent her an e-mail and said I’d be in the center tomorrow and would love an update. My last body scan was a year ago, and well before I even had my surgery. She thought that was a great idea so hopefully tomorrow I will have some answers and also a game plan to get moving again.

I am also going to plead for a small fill. Although I know that no matter how much I’m filled I still have to be in charge of what I am putting in my mouth, and I have not been so good at this, I really need the control before the Holidays. I won’t be able to get back in to see the good Doc otherwise until after the new year and things could get ugly, just from experience. It is one thing to be stuck hovering over the big seven-oh (which I KNOW I saw about three weeks ago for a brief moment. Long enough to enter it into myfitnesspal and then it slipped away like a smokey mirage). Now I’m on a 5lb teeter totter of hope and popcorn regret.

I can’t control a lot of things. I can’t control the shitastic weather outside this week. I can’t control other people’s choices to act shady. I can’t control the douchey guy I rear-ended. But I can control this.

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