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Friday, December 6

Mirage

I did it.
I woke up today and stepped on the scale and broke the 70 lb. mark by 0.2 of a lb. Quickly, just so I could prove to myself that it really happened I used my smartphone and took a pic. I texted it to my husband with the message…a mirage?
It’s Friday, so technically I am able to document this weight loss, since I am trying to only take into account the weekly numbers. The fluctuations are what kills me and it’s no fair even when I weigh-in each day to really let it manipulate me, but it does. I KNOW for sure that tomorrow the number will be different, but I can’t worry about that, I have to worry about NEXT FRIDAY and if it’s at least the same because it's my weekly check-in.
And I’ve stopped taking my monthly pics. It was starting to depress me because they look the fricken same for the past three months. Unless you loose a good 5-10 lbs at my weight it is unnoticeable to the naked eye. So I haven’t decided if I’m going to start taking my pics every three months instead or every ten pounds, whenever that happens.
To lay it all out there….between you and me…I’m scared shitless. Why? Because I don’t know how to be smaller than what I am right now. I have not been able to break this weight since I got married 11 years ago, and I practically starved myself on one meal a day and excessive treadmill usage for the occasion. I can’t do that to myself again, not only is it unhealthy but it’s also unrealistic. So what does that mean for me then? Will this time be different? With eating healthy and my gym membership will I be able to keep going to my goal? I know you are reading this and saying, “You can do it!!”….but I’m not sure if I can simply because I haven’t been able to before. It’s new territory for me and it’s goddamn frightening. There are no more clothes to dig out in my closet if I lose ten more pounds. There are no more pictures of a skinnier me of yesteryear, except the one in my wedding dress, a me who was smaller than I am right now.
modcloth.com
But I’m still "obese" for 19 more pounds, damn it, and I’m not done yet.
Here is the bathing suit that I plan on wearing for our trip to Disney this summer….
I know.
I haven’t worn a two-piece since my honeymoon.

My scar will show but I don’t give a fuck about that to be honest with you.
I don’t know where I will be weight wise in July because I am not confident about losing more, but I AM confident about no going back. I may need a prayer and a miracle for this one folks.

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