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Monday, December 22

Holiday Cheer

HOLIDAY CHEER:

Carbs + Butter + Cheese
Carbs + Chocolate
Liquor

Remember that commercial a while back where the lady unwraps a present from Santa and it’s a “big butt!!”

UGH.

Can’t we just focus on family and friends and enjoy all the hoopla without all the extra calories and guilt?

No.

We can’t because we are US…we are those who have been on the roller coaster far too long, most of us our whole lives, and we don’t know how to just BE and ENJOY.

These ten extra pounds are seriously killing my mojo and Holiday spirit. First of all because it made my last ten pounds to lose my last TWENTY pounds to lose.

Second of all because now when I put on my Christmas outfits instead of feeling good, I am looking in the mirror every 20 seconds looking for where the extra bulge has migrated too. (Because even though my clothes fit the same…it just HAS to be there somewhere…)

But here is the good news if there is any: We have two weeks off of school, lesson plans, committee meetings, homework, making lunches, soccer practice, piano lessons, and Religion class.  (sorry, I am married to the Oxford comma.)

That means there is an excess of TIME to move and exercise. To eat healthy. To work on my plank challenge.  To squat away the “big butt” Santa left under the tree.

TIME.

And time is the best Holiday gift of all. 

In T minus 10 days I start my 500-mile challenge at my gym. I broke up the miles into monthly goals and increments, so I can stay on track, factoring in the weeks on vacation when I won’t be able to run at the gym which is the only place the miles “count”.   I am looking forward to running on the track on the Cruise Ship in July, as that will be the ultimate bad ass.


And the 20-lbs I will have lost by then……

Thursday, December 11

New Plan - take 2

Last night I killed it at the gym, squatted extra low, lifted extra high, and ellipticaled extra on the elliptical. Today I woke up sore, but feeling slender if that’s a thing. After a hard ass work out and a day with low carbs you just feel more slender, even if you are the exact same size, and that can be euphoric when you have been in a slump like I have.

I know I wrote about having a plan a while back, and that plan flew out the window, but I have a new plan now and this one is going to work come hell or high water. It has to.

I was talking to someone the other day about my journey and how I cannot fail at it this time. It is jut NOT an option. I am a writer and hundreds of people read my blog for inspiration. I am a leader in lap-band support group and people who are scared or on the fence look to me for reassurance that they are doing the right thing. I am an active member of my community with all eyes on my every move, not in a snarky way (I hope) but rather as an “if SHE can do it then so can I”. I literally can’t go back to fat.

So my new plan is a little more strategic then the binder I put together to record my weight, calories and exercise. I know you can do that all online or through Apps, but I like to SEE it on paper, just like I like to write with a pen once in a while. This time I have actual goals and a means to get there.

My gym is sponsoring a 500-mile challenge and I have all of 2015 to run to Missouri. Every 50 miles you run on the treadmill or on the indoor track you win a prize like a water bottle, or a tote bag, a t-shirt, and the grand prize is a month of no gym fee (mine is 22 bucks, whoo hoo) and an entry into a drawing for a free YEAR of gym (now we’re talking).


But the real prize of course you silly people, is the accomplishment of actually DOING this. It will keep me going, it will work out all of my other problems like my low-energy, weight slump, and emotional digressions.

Once I had the plan, I needed the swag, so I treated myself to a brand new sports bra and running capris from Victoria’s Secret. Nothing says get your ass to the gym then spending a hundo plus on work-out clothes. Can’t wait to ring in the new year Jan 1 in my new sportswear.


I promise blog more and give you updates along the way as always. If not for anything else but to keep MYSELF running, and running……

Tuesday, December 2

I'm. Stuck.

As the old saying goes, if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all. Which is why I haven’t written in two weeks.

Yeah, that “game plan” I drafted? Down the shitter.

I’m a mess over here.

A ten-pound heavier mess.

WTF!!

I can’t get myself to the gym, or to even do squats in my living room, I just want to hide under my snuggie with my eyes closed and pretend no one can see me.  And eat Cheez-its. Is that too much to ask?

Or turn goth. I do own a lot of black clothing.

Next week I visit my surgeon, which I scheduled three weeks earlier because I decided I needed help sooner than later. I am afraid he is going to be super dissapointed.  Give me those “you fucked up” eyes.

I am afraid.

I’m going to ask Santa for some personal training sessions after the New Year. Santa will provide, I know this much.

Will it help? Will I go? Will I get where I want to be?

I lost the bulk of my weight so fast but this past year I lost and gained the same 10 lbs putting me in the exact same place as I was last December.


What will 2015 bring?

Monday, November 17

Holiday Game Plan

Saturday I started a diet. Okay, I’ve been on a diet for two years but as you know I recently underwent a small gain and that shit needs to be stopped in it’s tracks before the holidays come and I am drowning in a sea of my own cinnamon sugar tears. I took a hard look at what I have been doing and there is no denying that I will never be someone who can just relax and live and maintain my weight I knew this already, I’ve known it for my whole life.

The first aha moment as I analyze this kink in the hose is that I have reached my own personal “point of no return.” I know we have all heard this cliché many times but has anyone really stopped to think about what it means? The phrase started with German military teams and refers to that point when you are swimming under caves, without the aid of scuba gear, when you have a choice to make. You get to a point where you will either have enough breath left to double back and make it out, or enough to continue and hope you make it through. That’s where I’m at now. I have lost weight so many times in my life I have lost count, but then I get to this point, and for some reason unbeknownst to me I double back instead of swimming on. Today I chose to swim. No going back, I’ve come too far.

So I am starting with the basics. I scheduled a fill for three weeks sooner than I had planned on checking in. I haven’t gotten an adjustment since March and even though I constantly am on the fence as if I need one at all or just need to be eating right, I think it’s time to give it a tweak. Last time I went in I had gained two pounds and if I went in today that would be two to three more. I can’t be ashamed and avoid the obvious, I need to go in and own up to it and let them help me. Let my band help me.

I also stocked up on my protein shakes and doing a mirror of what my pre-op diet looked like. Two shakes and one healthy meal. If not a shake then something of the same calories/nutrition. Two days and I’m already feeling better. I am going to hope and pray that I can stick with it until Thanksgiving when I will take a day off and enjoy my family and food. People are not fat because of Thanksgiving after all, they are fat because of their daily choices. 

Another huge problem in this equation is me not taking time for myself to exercise. I wish I had a good excuse, like the famous line about not having time. But we all know this is not true and the oldest excuse in the book. We all can make time. We chose not to. I have a gym membership with classes and availability that I can work with. It has a kids room that I used to dump my brood into several times a week. I used to go rain or shine, light or dark. I have no choice in this matter, it’s an essential part of my success.

So tonight I’m trying a yoga class for the first time.  I’m hoping it helps me with two things. Obviously my body will benefit from the stretching and muscle work, but also hopefully it fulfills me emotionally just like everyone raves it to do. Teaches me to breath and reflect. To just be.

My hope is that by writing typing this down it will manifest. That I will be accountable to my readers.  Accountable to myself.


Be calm and swim on.

Wednesday, November 12

Finding Atlantis

I’m starting to feel like I am searching for the lost city of Atlantis. A magical place where everything is beautiful and perfect. Where everyone is happy.

I’m starting to realize that such a place might not be hidden after all, only found by the bravest and most courageous explorers, those worthy of finding the hidden treasures there. I’m starting to realize that maybe it’s not there at all, but just a legend, or a mirage.

I have been open and honest about the fact that I am struggling right now with body image and combatting my body dismorphia. No, I have not been diagnosed by a professional, but I KNOW something is wrong when an otherwise commonly intelligent person looks in the mirror after weighing a few ounces more and literally sees how much more fat there is. It is not at all possible or rational but somehow it is real and happening for me. Every day all day I am critiquing every square inch of myself, much worse then in my fat days when I just didn’t give a shit because I looked horrible anyways every day.

WTF.

This week I worked with a substitute teacher that has gone through an unspeakable tragedy. More on that later. When I got home I cried and cried for two reasons. One was that the horrible, horrible thing that happened to his family is something that no one should ever have to think about let alone live through. And as someone with anxiety and emotional errs, I just couldn’t process spending a day with this strong person. The second reason I cried is because this person smiled all day long…. SMILED!! It is enough that they woke up and actually lived another day through it, but laughed and smiled and was inspirational to others. I felt like a soda pop bottle all day ready to blow just from being so close to someone so powerful. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so I cried.

Then today, damn it to hell, was a girl on the Today Show that was in the Boston Marathon bombing and lost her goddamned leg and she was laughing about it…LAUGHING! She wrote a break up letter to her leg. She wrote with a magic marker, “It’s not you it’s me.” ON HER LEG! I saw this young, blond beauty, strong and healthy with a firm runners body, who was now going to be a runner with one leg, and she was laughing just for being alive.

So instead of feeling inspired, I feel even more shitty. Because in my mind I have “problems” and “body issues” when in reality I have none.


I contacted my nutritionist this week along with a friend from my group and asked about classes for people with body image issues. I am in search of a support group for those that are past the initial weight loss surgery ups and downs. It’s been nearly two years, I know how to navigate the lap band at this point and am now walking others through it. What I don’t know quite how to navigate is me. The me in THIS body. And I need a map.