I need to come clean. No matter where I am, I am looking at those around me, wondering how my body is matching up. For so long I was one of the largest people in the group, and sometimes, even at my largest, I was the smallest, and neither was necessarily the best place to be. Even now, I have a horrible habit of a wandering eye, and I’m not talking about looking for hot guys while out and about.
Like in Zumba. Here is what is going through my mind. Who’s ass is larger than mine? Who’s is smaller? Who’s ass is larger but has a flat stomach? Who’s ass and stomach are both smaller than mine but has no boobs? Who is pear shape? Who is apple shape? Who is magic-marker shape, like me? Why do I look pregnant? Does anyone think I’m pregnant??
And now I’m sitting her watching the Biggest Loser, it’s the week when they get make-overs. Here is how these make-over shows work: if you have long hair you are doomed. It’s going to get cut and it’s going to get cut short and funky. I never get this because if you see “hot” people in magazines or say the Victoria’s Secret catalog they all have long flowing blue lagoon hair. Blue lagoon hair is hair so long it covers your boobs say if you were naked on a deserted island like Brooke Shields in the movie. Not being Brooke Shields or being on an island is neither here nor there.
And then their new bodies in their new clothes. Some of these broads now weigh 10-15 lbs less than me and I think they look way chunkier than me. Why? Because they are on TV? Because they are hobbits? Because I think I look different than I actually do? I mean… the ginger in the red dress claims she is wearing a size 6. Hmmm. Skeptical.
Any why do I care? Because I do. I can’t help it. I’m not judging, I’m just observing. Instead of becoming less self-conscious I have become more self-conscious in some respects. But it’s okay. To stop looking and assessing would be to stop changing and growing for me. And that’s all I can be is me.