I am still here.
An unfinished painting that is just starting to come into focus.
I want to lose another 20 lbs. and then I tell myself and those around me that I’ll be “happy”. Happy? I don’t know what that is. At least where my body is concerned. At least, I have never been there to know how it feels.
I will always want to run a little faster. Run a little farther. Do an extra 10 squats. Nip this. Tuck that. Pull the belt one notch tighter. Bead worthy boobs and a bikini bridge (google it) are on a ship that has long sailed.
What does make me happy? Snow days. Great books. Winning recipes. Valentine’s Day. Soccer games. Piano recitals. Fuzzy socks. Coffee. Kids singing. Warm kisses on cold nights. Yes, yes those things make me happy and keep me going.
And I think of those things tonight because I am cold. I cannot keep warm.
My stomach hurts with bloat. I have a weird muscle pain under my left rib. Another weird pain in my right love handle.
But I am still here. Painting my picture of happiness.