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Thursday, February 20

TTT: A Flow Chart

1.     My day started off really weird where I was self-conscious from the jump that my outfit showed one too many rolls and maybe one of those weird belly-button shadows under my shirt (don’t even pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about). But not really finding anything I’d rather wear I kept the outfit on. In my first class a Kindergartener pointed to my belly and said, “You’re having a baby!” which at any size just sucks but really sucks when you have just busted your ASS getting a Lap-Band and losing the weight of a small child. Um, no, thanks, my baby is in first grade.
2.     This (see item #1) made me think of a bunch of shit that I didn’t really have to be thinking about. Like how unfair it is that no matter what size I will be even though I am shrinking I am not shape-shifting. Even if I lost a ton more weight I will always be “showing” and that just sucks. It is completely unfair that I shed blood, sweat and tears over the past 11 months to lose over 70 lbs and still have a baby bump while my boobs are now lack-luster.
3.     I was reminded of this fact (see item #2) by a client of my mother’s that said I looked like I lost my boobs. I tried to defend my case by showing off my new 60 dollar Under Armour compression sports bra but the truth is that they are melting away. I’m going to really put it all out there now and admit that I still wear the same daily bras from a year ago. Instead of being snug they are just kinda there, with room for a finger or two under the straps and in the cups. I’m trying to pay down my Vickie’s card so I can replenish the stock but to be honest they do their job (kinda) and I’m trying to save money.
4.     The money I’m saving (see item #3) is to start getting ready for our Disney vacation in July. I did a walk around Old Navy this week just to see what there was to see and I had so much anxiety about jean sizes I ran out of there like a child in a fun house. What the hell is going on? I should be excited to try on clothes and instead I know which size will be loose, and which site will be tight, and last I checked they didn’t make half sizes like with shoes which means I’m shit out of luck. That is unless I can loose the 15 more lbs. I want to lose before said vacation.
5.     The way I see it, the vacation (see item #4) is about 19 weeks away so losing 15 lbs would be LESS than a pound a week and should be very reasonable. That would be of course if I wasn’t hot glued to a brick wall right now. I haven’t had a significant weight loss in so long I’m starting to doubt my ability to keep losing, and I’m pissed as hell about it. I truly don’t know what to do so I have tried to come up with some solutions that may not help at all but certainly can’t hurt either.
6.     I’m thinking of detoxing myself from my calorie counting app because clearly that isn’t the problem. I make my calorie goal nearly all the time and always add in my daily cardio, and when I hit “complete” the bastard tells me that in 5 weeks I will  have lost 15-20 lbs. I have enough documentation against this App to sue them but I don’t think I have a case because I can’t really prove I have eaten those things right? I don’t need to lose this much weight in only 5 weeks I need to lose this in 19 weeks (see item #5) and that’s what I’m starting to get nervous about.
7.     Unless the problem is what I have been reading about on the internet about doing too much cardio (see item #6) and not any strength training. It’s not that I don’t see value in lifting weights, but it’s not fun and it took a lot to get me so addicted to the fitness center like I am. I truly LOVE going to my Zumba classes so I look forward to them. The machines on the other hand always have those meat-heads working on them, old men or college kids home for break, and I feel uncomfortable getting in there. Plus I don’t know what to do. I have pinterested a bunch of exercises but where is the science to this? I need someone to tell me exactly what to do and I need what I do to actually work.
8.     Which is why I’m thinking (see item #7) of hiring a personal trainer. My gym does offer this for 50 bucks an hour (minimum of 8 sessions) but I have two friends who claim they can write something up for me for free. My husband also thinks he can show me what to do but I’m thinking that there has to be a difference between a seasonal athlete who knows how to work out for themselves, and someone who knows body science to design a workout for me. Sure, they know how much they need to lift to build their own guns and six-packs, but do they know how to show a 35-year-old woman how to lose 20 lbs in 19 weeks? I’m skeptical. I worked too hard to get this far and too many months getting my weight loss surgery to get stuck here.
9.     Because for example (see item #8) my husband is prescribing me to do squats. This has NOTHING to do with my desire to lose more weight and EVERYTHING to do with the fact that he likes good asses. I like good asses too, which is why I married him.

10. I need a fat-blast lazer, and a crystal ball, and a tummy-tuck (return to item #1) and some goddamned sleep.

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