Super Inspired Writer

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Saturday, March 29

Airing our Dirty Laundry

It’s been said that if you are someone with addictive behaviors you will ALWAYS be someone with addictive behaviors. Those people with especially unhealthy ones then find something else to substitute with when they are working past the addiction. This is called transfer addiction. For example, recovering alcoholics tend to become gamblers or shopping addicts, and recovering food addicts typically become alcoholics. Luckily I don’t have the alcoholism gene I wrote my eighth grade term paper on in gifted English class.

But addictions I do have. For example, today I decide to clean out my underwear drawers (plural) and find that I have over 70 pairs. This means I am either extremely prepared for the zombie apocalypse, or I am crazy. Because I also have some OCD characteristics in addition to the addictive behaviors, they are separated by category, then by color and fabric. I almost laid them all out on my bed and took a picture for reference but then decided I am too private a person for that.

I overcame my fast food addiction by switching to chips and pretzels, and then overcame that addiction by switching to skinny pop. I am now working on overcoming the skinny pop addiction by switching to ice coffee with a side of air molecules.

Dreaming of beaches...
So why can’t we be addicted to say…broccoli? Or scrubbing toilets? What makes addictions lean toward things that get in the way of your best life? I mean, don’t get me wrong, some of those underwear have seen my best life not gonna lie, but really  what possesses someone to keep up with something so nonsensical? What would be so bad about being addicted to excessive exercise?

I suppose if I had the answer to that I would be a shrink and not a teacher. And then I wouldn’t be on my paid Spring Break right now. Excuse me... I have a taste for air molecules.

Friday, March 28

Friday Funnies

TGIF!! And to make things even better SPRING BREAK is starting bitches!! If you think this is unfair please review clause number I chose my career you chose yours! That being said I can’t wait for a week off to just lolly gag and do whatever the hell I want for a week. With all the shitty weather we have been having, all my trips in and out every day, I’m exhausted big time. This does not mean however I am in any way shape or form prepared to keep my kids entertained all week. Luckily my husband is taking a few days off to help me ring them in. If only we were able to wear shorts and tank tops like NORMAL people on spring break it would be fricken awesome.

Things continue to move along with everything else as well. My son did a digestion unit at school and it was cool to explain to him my new physiology using the egg timer he got at the dentist’s office to brush his teeth. And I am learning new things every day too. Like how snacking really is my demise. I still have a goal to reach and I need to do a better job of getting that to happen without the unnecessary use of kale chips which I STILL have a nasty taste in my mouth from. Seriously, I never ate something so vile!

In fact, we decided as a family that instead of time outs and discipline at home, whoever acts like an ass has to eat a kale chip as a punishment. Including me if I break my Lent and eat a chip or French fry. I foresee things going a lot smoothly at home from now on.

But the best news of all is that 2 more pounds and I will be in a weight bracket I haven’t seen since 2002!!! My husband just went to lunch with a friend from work who saw my pic and said he now knows why my husband has to start working out….to “beat off” all the men looking at me. This is too funny because we have a philosophy of flattery instead of jealousy. We WANT other adults to look at us and think we look like a good hook-up…it’s a compliment to the other one of us. I mean, who wants to be with someone that just looks okay…right. In fact when I feel like my boobs are bursting out at the gym in my 70 dollar Under Armour sports bra, instead of telling me to cover up I see the pride in his eyes. And that my friends is real love.

Tuesday, March 25

Kale Fail

The best part about getting together with friends of course is the laughs. We all have so  many groups that we are a part of….work friends, school friends, neighborhood friends, family friends, and if you ever have weight loss surgery you will have WLS friends too.

My Lap band friends talk every day in our Facebook group and once a month we get together at the hospital for our support group. It is not solemn and serious. It’s not about shame or grieving either, it’s about people who love to laugh and fucking eat.  What happens in our group of course is confidential, we all want to be able to share our stories without worry of them being spread around, and I’m always surprised at the number of people who still keep their surgeries a secret, but what really goes down at a weight loss support group??

We talk about foods we love. About tacos and popcorn. About missing beer and wine and coffee. We talk about what to do when you are starving and on the road. What protein drinks are the best. What high protein snacks are the best. How oatmeal cups are outrageously expensive. And what to eat when you are goddamned starving and just don’t have the cals to expend.

I may or may not have asked if there is a support group on another night for skinny pop addicts. My nutritionist said she shakes her head at the amount of patients who admit to skinny pop for their daily snack. We are supposed to eat a rolled up piece of turkey or a diet string cheese instead but sometimes you just want that small salty and crunchy bite. Someone suggested edemame. And then a bit of Pinterest propaganda made it’s appearance in the conversation otherwise known as KALE CHIPS.

If you are foreign to this snack, which I don’t know how that is possible these days, you literally take dark greens and bake them to a crisp until they become “chips”.  What is this urban legend you speak of that goes by the name CHIPS and yet is good for you? It was time to find out.

Today I bought a large bunch of greens and tore them up into Dorito sized portions. I mixed them with a few tablespoons of EVOO and sprinkled some salt and pepper. Baked on a cookie sheet at 400 for 20 minutes and they were done.

I couldn’t take the smell every time I opened the Tupperware. Don’t get me wrong, I am a greens eater the way they are meant to be eaten, sautéed with garlic as a side dish. But these were just….weird. Also, once the water vaporized out they were flaky as hell and there was no way I could dip them into any salsa or guac in which case the verdict was: FAIL. More like a huge ass piece of dried oregano in your teeth.

Go home people who swear by kale chips, you are drunk.

Sunday, March 23

Pop Over

I am not a child. But sometimes I feel like one. Especially when it comes to dieting.

Last night I was literally had wet eyes because I was starving around 10 pm and wanted to inhale a bag of popcorn. I told my husband under no circumstance to let me eat that popcorn and when I said I just wanted to taste it, he artfully put 5 small kernels on the kitchen table for me. It was funny at the time but then I was pissed. And frustrated. I felt like a 3-year old being told I couldn’t have a cookie before dinner. So I did what any middle-aged educated woman does and I pouted. I pouted until my husband felt bad for mocking me. Of course it’s not his fault. The instructions were clear, do not let me near the popcorn. I went to bed with an emptiness in my belly.

When I woke up I felt great, and light. I weighed great for it being Sunday morning. So then I wasn’t pissed anymore I was grateful. Both my weight and my emotions are like a pendulum swinging back and forth. It’s exhausting.

Wax and wane.
Why is the Devil always brunette??

I feel like one of those cartoons with an Angel on one shoulder and a Devil on the other. The Devil tells me to just take a bite. That one little splurge can’t really hurt in the scheme of things. That I deserve to let loose a little.
The Angel says to stop and think. That I won’t be happy with cheating myself. To find a distraction instead.
Back and forth they argue until I am so confused I don’t know what to do. Sometimes the Angel wins and sometimes the little Devil.  

Today I ate the goddamned popcorn. I had a great healthy lunch, had the calories to cover it, and figured as long as I don’t run out for another bag I won’t have one staring at my face all week. I had an OBLIGATION to myself to eat that popcorn to get it the hell out of the kitchen. And it was divine.

So now we talk goals. It took me what felt like forever between Christmas and my Bandiversary, but I finally got passed 75 lbs. I’m still doing Zumba, running, squatting, and lifting 3-4 times a week as per my exercise plan, and trying my damndest to eat clean. I’d really like to get past the 80 lb. mark to start my summer vacation so that’s mid-June.  5 lbs. in 10 weeks. May the odds be ever in my favor.

Sunday, March 16

Spring Chicken

My birthday came and went and was full of surprises as expected. I got all the things I asked for, Under Armour garb, new running shoes, Old Navy money, and a bitchin’ 12 oz. superman mug from my nephews. It was a fabulous day. And then my co-workers took me out. I drank beer after beer while we talked shit and told secrets from our younger days, and had a few shots specific for girls celebrating birthdays (just picture the whipped cream!) and by the end of the night I had to basically be carried home by my strapping younger man. It was epic and fantastic and I felt young and fun in a mundane life.

Then Friday came and I was down for the count. I couldn’t leave my bathroom until about 1pm with everyone laughing at me saying I needed to suck it up. But the hangover won this game and I finally was able to fall asleep for a few hours. My mother came to my rescue with a pill to put under my tongue to stop the nausea.  My kids were fricken saints that day, taking care of themselves, keeping quiet and checking on me to see if I was still alive. They both earned a trip to Toys R Us for it too.

So here I am in a one-year-older body and what have I learned? That as I have said before numerous times, I am still me inside but no longer the same outside. I am still teetering on the scale, as soon as I had solid foods again, I re-gained those two magical pounds I had lost as expected. Gain and lose, gain and lose, over and over like the swinging of a pendulum. I am constantly trying to make peace with the fact that this just might be my size. That even as a curvy college girl I could starve down to a 10 but really my curves kept me at a voluptuous 12-14. So why would I think things would be different today? After two kids and parts of me that won’t go down with any amount of exercise and dieting why can’t I be rational and just BE who I am and LET IT GO? (cue the song from Frozen).

In other news it was time for another Good Will give away from my closet and drawers. I bought myself a bunch of new bras that help my girls out significantly since the weight loss only hindered their appearance. If my signature is T and A then I have to represent after all. I may not be from Jersey Shore but Chicago is not that far removed. And I mean, what the hell, I’m happily married and getting the goods in the right place makes my torso look that much better. Here is the BEST part too, since I am smaller I can now indulge in a two pack of push-ups for under 20 bucks at the local discount retailer. Amazing!! This is by far one of the best PERKS of loosing weight (pun intended). I mean look at this dress for 3 BUCKS I scored on the discount rack at K-mart! (don't judge the blue light special) Don’t know where I will wear it but it was 3 BUCKS and that does NOT happen when you are plus sized……


And its high time I believe that…