I am not a child. But sometimes I feel like one. Especially when it comes to dieting.
Last night I was literally had wet eyes because I was starving around 10 pm and wanted to inhale a bag of popcorn. I told my husband under no circumstance to let me eat that popcorn and when I said I just wanted to taste it, he artfully put 5 small kernels on the kitchen table for me. It was funny at the time but then I was pissed. And frustrated. I felt like a 3-year old being told I couldn’t have a cookie before dinner. So I did what any middle-aged educated woman does and I pouted. I pouted until my husband felt bad for mocking me. Of course it’s not his fault. The instructions were clear, do not let me near the popcorn. I went to bed with an emptiness in my belly.
When I woke up I felt great, and light. I weighed great for it being Sunday morning. So then I wasn’t pissed anymore I was grateful. Both my weight and my emotions are like a pendulum swinging back and forth. It’s exhausting.
Wax and wane.
|Why is the Devil always brunette??|
I feel like one of those cartoons with an Angel on one shoulder and a Devil on the other. The Devil tells me to just take a bite. That one little splurge can’t really hurt in the scheme of things. That I deserve to let loose a little.
The Angel says to stop and think. That I won’t be happy with cheating myself. To find a distraction instead.
Back and forth they argue until I am so confused I don’t know what to do. Sometimes the Angel wins and sometimes the little Devil.
Today I ate the goddamned popcorn. I had a great healthy lunch, had the calories to cover it, and figured as long as I don’t run out for another bag I won’t have one staring at my face all week. I had an OBLIGATION to myself to eat that popcorn to get it the hell out of the kitchen. And it was divine.
So now we talk goals. It took me what felt like forever between Christmas and my Bandiversary, but I finally got passed 75 lbs. I’m still doing Zumba, running, squatting, and lifting 3-4 times a week as per my exercise plan, and trying my damndest to eat clean. I’d really like to get past the 80 lb. mark to start my summer vacation so that’s mid-June. 5 lbs. in 10 weeks. May the odds be ever in my favor.