Super Inspired Writer

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Wednesday, May 28


Of course first and foremost I want to thank the selfless veterans who have died in service and therefore why we observe Memorial Day. Then I want to send a big F-U to the guy who decided we need to observe this holiday with food and drink, as we celebrate EVERYTHING. Why…please tell me why??

I’m at a less than a week countdown before a major event and even though I haven’t really stepped it up too hard lately, I have been able to run about two times a week, lots of yard work, and not eating much at all. My fill is doing it’s job when I eat the way I’m supposed to (shocker!) but on celebratory days, things are different, and there is grazing and liquor involved.

Why is grazing so horrible? Well, Imagine you have a drain. If you put a lot in the drain at once it clogs. You can either unclog the drain or you can slowly wait for it to trickle down on it’s own. Voila, the philosophy behind the lap-band. But let’s say you take three times as much food, and just take tiny, tiny pieces and put them in there little by little all day. The drain never gets clogged and the calories move right along.

You know my downfall and addiction is chips, I have been very honest about that. Also, apparently, since I am not used to carbonated beverages, a few sips of pop or a beer bloat me like the Goodyear Blimp. Add to that a hotdog (maybe it was two I’m not tellin’), various salads (but salads are healthy!!) and we can’t forget the rice crispy treats and s’mores (you always want s’more). I did get a run in around the neighborhood, and am now up to being able to run for two songs straight (small victories) and mowed and weeded the lawn so I figured all hope would not be lost.

I woke up on Tuesday somewhere between 5 and 10 lbs heavier. This is not possible. Tell me this is not possible. My husband was so pissed, because I was in tears, that he threatened to rid the scale for good. I looked in the mirror in horror. My clothes fit fine, but that number haunted me all day. The goddamned number. I was pissed at myself. When it’s the day of the holiday, you tell yourself that one day can’t hurt, that we are with family and friends and have to LIVE not DIEt. Then you wake up and wonder what the fuck you were thinking. You feel like shit, a real Holiday hangover. And your mind races. You think everyone is looking at you wondering if you held-up a McDonald’s over the weekend because your ass is so huge. I mean, you think those things if you are me. Being a hot mess doesn’t help either.

So I did as I was taught and “shaked” it all day. Two shakes and a yogurt later chased down by the vitamin drink the old guy at Costco sold me and today I’m back in business. 7 pounds back down overnight. I should have taken a selfie of that shit to prove it because it’s so crazy.  I’m still in disbelief that my body was harboring all of that water weight, since clearly even I’m not dumb enough to think my body processed fat and lost fat over night that fast. But still. WTF???? That was a close one.

God Bless the USA.

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