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Wednesday, June 4

Trust

I stopped counting calories. Cold turkey.

I am not stopping all the monitoring of everything that is going into my mouth however, very far from it in fact. What I stopped doing was having a panic attack over a 30-calorie Hershey kiss at lunch (and I mean really eating just one, not eating five and pretending that I only ate one.)

I have been on this journey for so long that I’m not the same person anymore. My lifestyle and behaviors are totally different and I need to TRUST myself that I know what to do and TRUST that my band will take me where I want to go.  I haven’t logged in a few days and you know what? I’m doing okay. I’m not bloated. I know how big my meals should be. I can eyeball the right portion size. I didn’t go through all the trouble of weight-loss surgery just to follow other diet programs on the sly. I had surgery because those things never worked for me, they were only short-term solutions to a long-term problem.

But as we all know TRUST is a fickle thing. It is the difference between making something happen and knowing it will happen. I am not the most trusting person as it is. Typically having anxiety disorder goes hand in hand with freaking out when you don’t have complete control over something and have to just trust it will be. But I have to find it inside of me to believe this is different because I am indeed in control.  I just need that damn crystal ball.

Spring sucks. It’s a transition season and I hate transitions. I don’t now what’s worse, not knowing yet if I’m being rehired to teach next year, or not knowing if I need a hoodie or umbrella outside. It’s a crappy time of year when you have to trust everything around you. Trust that summer is coming. Have faith in the fact that you have been doing what you need to do and the rest will fall into place.  But I walk around skeptical in my shoes. About everything. 

1 comment:

  1. Someone on Bariatric Pal suggested you're blog so I came over for a peek. I'm so glad I did! I love your writing. I will definitely read some old posts. I particularly liked this post because I am an MFP user. I think about the day when I stop using it and learn to trust myself. I still have about 30 pounds to go... So maybe soon.

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