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Sunday, October 5

Bargaining

Today will be different.

I have been saying this for a while now as I trudge through the mud. Today will be the day I break free and move on. Today will be the day I eat nothing but healthy. Today will be the day that I get back to my exercise routine. Today will be different.

And then I wake up on an empty stomach and I feel fresh and new. Depending on what the scale says I feel happy or sad. Stupid but true, just reporting.

I can eat a healthy breakfast, or I can eat a junky breakfast or I can skip altogether. This is the first decision I make every day. And it becomes crucial because it sets up the path for the rest of the day.

When lunch comes so does the bargaining because now it’s the middle of the day. If I ate a healthy breakfast or even skipped, I will start bargaining with myself if I can eat a crappy lunch. I shouldn’t, but if I just let myself cheat at this meal, this one mean, what can it hurt? I’ll make up for it at dinner, yep that sounds easy enough. Or I won’t eat dinner altogether! Or I’ll run until my lungs are burning and hope that erases the damage.

But when six o’clock comes all those promises are in the past because I am hungry and it is dinnertime. And at this point I start to re-bargain and think, what’s the point it’s done, I already ate too much/ ate junk/ didn’t follow my plan. One of two things happens now…. dinner becomes 5 cups of coffee and I fall asleep empty and disappointed, or dinner becomes anther junky meal in the hopes that my stomach will get pissed off enough to move everything on out in the morning and I can start back at square one. Once again I fall asleep disappointed. See what happened there? Disappointment either way.

So why, oh why might you ask, do I allow myself to walk this cycle every day? Because I have a food addiction. Because I have very deep-rooted emotional damage and anxiety where food is concerned. My body is healthier, but my mind is where it has always been, a place of inconsistent bargaining of what will make me happy for that moment. This is no different than any other addictive behavior be it alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, etc. etc.  Like the tide of the ocean there are times of calm and times of turbulence. I’ve been swimming against what feels like the current and I’m getting tired.

I’m no shrink (although I did major in psychology for one measly semester) but I do know that I’m not alone. I also know that talking about it helps and writing about it helps me even more to work through it.


Maybe tomorrow will be different….

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