Super Inspired Writer

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Monday, August 10

I'm baaaaack 2/2

Part 2 of 2:

Today I started my aforementioned new job in a new school district. This is now the third district I will have worked for so I’m totally hoping three times is a charm. So far so good, all of the back-to school jitters are settling a bit but I’m still overly self-conscious about certain things. First of all, I hate that having to choose a seat at a table thing. Luckily, they had nametags and seat assignments so I was spared the anxiety of where to sit. I ended up next to a new PE teacher in one of my buildings so that was cool.

But what I was most worried about of course was what I was going to wear on my first day. Just like an adolescent going to their first day of Jr. High you want to blend in yet stand out at the same time. I decided on a black and white short jumpsuit I had gotten over the summer at a discount store, woke up early to curl my hair, when that got annoying after five minutes I twisted it up into a hair claw and I was ready to go.

R U Kidding Me??
When I got to the meeting I remembered something, EVERYONE is new. Everyone is in the same boat, not knowing where the best copier is, or where the closest bathroom is to your classroom. It ended up being okay until my carefully chosen outfit backfired on me and me and my table mates realized I matched the Composition notebook everyone was given as a reflection journal. Come on now, I can’t make this shit up.

Even still, day 1 and baby step 1 is done and that’s always the hard part. What’s easy is that I have been offered a completely fresh new start at life. NO ONE knows me there, they don’t know what I have gone through professionally, and no one knows I had weight loss surgery two and a half years ago either. READ: no one knows about my fat days. They all think this is just me, and that is a very bittersweet feeling. As much as I love being a spokesperson for the Lap-band, and as much as I love writing my blog and talking to the numerous people who message me privately with questions…there is a certain animosity that I am excited about. The crazy notion that in this new world, the crazy depressed fat girl never existed.

I am not gonna lie, I love my new body just as a mother loves her newborn baby. I feel good about myself and I love all the new clothes I had been dying to wear. I wore a bikini all summer (well, a skirted one because I still hate my thighs and they are going to the grave with me) and I wore a two-piece dress for my anniversary for crying out loud.  This was the me I was craving to be…desperate to be.

And I guess that’s another lessoned leaned and something that others considering weight loss surgery should go over. The more desperate you are for the new you the better success you will have in my opinion. You have to want that new body like a med student wants to be a doctor or a little girl wants to be a princess. For me a new body meant a new life, and a new life I have indeed in every sense of the word this fall.
And finally who I see in the mirror matches who I see in my head. And who my new friends will meet is thankfully the me I want to be.

Thursday, August 6

I'm baaaaaack 1/2

PART 1 OF 2...

It’s been four and a half months since I last wrote and published a blog and let me tell you so much has happened, and didn’t happen, that I hope I can do my story justice. But I can say that many of my friends have been asking why I haven’t written in a while and when I was going to write again and well, I thought, better late than never. Here geos nothing.

Let me backtrack to March when I started to hard-core look for a new job. I really can’t get into the meat and potatoes of what went down at my last job when I was “honorably released” or some shit, especially since I was slapped on the hand most briskly for posting something on Facebook that was absolutely true but sounded too rant-like and accusatory toward the big wigs. Long story short I no longer was going to have a position where I was, so I had to really step up to the online application plate if I was going to work as a teacher this year. I just refused to accept that I wasn’t.

There was a whopping 5 jobs within 45 minutes of my house that I was qualified for. The one I didn’t get in my last district (see above disclaimer), three that people I was friends with said they had an “in” for (not even a damn interview), and one that was just a random point and click. I also applied to some parochial schools making sure to say I was interested because I wanted to explore my faith in education because I knew that’s what they wanted to hear. That was BS, I know exactly where my faith is no exploration needed, but it didn’t matter because God was already on it and I ended up getting the wild-card job where no one knew me at all, I was a random pick of the online applicants. I’m proof it happens teachers so don’t give up!

This whole time I was in a major depression because that’s how I roll. I stopped going to the gym (phewy to the 500 mile challenge, better luck next year) and I actually lost 5 lbs without trying because I didn’t feel like chewing and swallowing anything. I am someone that works hard and plays by the rules and therefor expects the outcomes to also be by the book. I was a victim of the old “when you assume you make an ass out of you and me” and for the first time in a long time I just didn’t want one more person to tell me that I was destined for bigger and better. That God had a plan. I already knew God had a plan but if I heard it one more time I wanted to punch someone in the throat.

I did what a good Italian Catholic girl does and I prayed and prayed to whoever would listen.

I ended up finding bigger and better and am starting next week. Sadly, bigger and better didn’t come with a laptop pro bono so I picked one up today and voila here I am typing my first blog in months on a new laptop with a new job.

Oh, I also got a new car because the one I had been using for the past five years just had fucking ghosts of Christmas past in it. My old fat days, my toting around screaming toddlers escaping their carseats days, my old job driving to four schools a day hoping my dedication would pay off days. In so many ways I have not only turned the page to a new chapter but literally slammed that book closed and put it on the shelf. I couldn’t look at that old Nissan anymore without throwing up in my mouth. Now I have a little red zippy car red as a goddamned cherry. It feels like me. The me now.

And paying my due diligence to what started as a weight loss surgery blog, I’m doing okay. In a perfect world I will still lose my last 5 lbs to no longer be “obese” but really I don’t give a shit anymore about BMI charts or what size the tag says or any of that bull. I’m happy and I’m okay and I feel good in my skin for the first time in a decade. Should I still be eating well and working out, of course. But if this is me at 37 and this is still me in 15 years I’m okay with that. I have much more important things to worry about.

Because bigger and better is out there. And God has a plan.