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Wednesday, July 20

Still. Here.


I am still here.

Right. Here.

It has taken a lot of persuasion from my blog followers to write up a post almost a year from my last one, because as I seek help and guidance for my current situation, I am reminded how essential this blog was when I was going through my surgery three and a half years ago. How it was my lifeline and kept me focused through the good, the bad, and the ugly of what Weight Loss Surgery really is.

So here I am now, sitting at the computer that was my best friend those lonely nights when I tried to be so strong and inspiring and positive while I was throwing up behind the scenes when no one was looking. Or when I was throwing up when everyone was looking, but just didn’t care anymore because it became my new normal.

Going back to work full-time changed EVERYTHING. I have been a stay-at-home-mom, and I have been a working-mom, and let me tell you both are less than ideal for several reasons but this blog is not about the pros and cons of working outside of the home. I will tell you however how some of the side effects of working full time totally derailed all my efforts of staying on a straight weight loss line.

I USED TO wake up at my leisure, get kids ready and off to school, make breakfast on the stove, go to the gym and run my three miles, come home and shower and make my packed lunch, then work a few hours and come home and make dinner.

NOW I rush, rush everyone out of bed, ready for school, myself ready and presentable in clothes and make-up for work, then in the car by 7:15 to drop off kids by my parents and get to work early enough that I can actually leave at a decent time in the afternoon. Breakfast? Oops…looks like a Frappuccino again. Lunch? Oops….looks like Jimmy John’s (because it’s soooo much better than McDonald’s the commercial says) Dinner? Oops….nothing is ready or defrosted and the fridge is bare and the kids have a million activities so looks like pizza.

Now…if you are wondering how I had been eating those things, since I had shared in TMI detail that I could not swallow such heavy meals and buns and crust….well…..expectedly that’s all that was there so that’s what I ate and just as expectedly it would come up….EVERY. TIME. Fast forward to 10 pm when even though I chewed and swallowed three meals, my stomach was still empty and so began my addiction to Ben and Jerry’s pints of ice cream. So delicious and went down like a dream.

If you would have told me three years ago that I would go down this path I would have laughed at you. I had a Lap-Band named Lola and she was Wonderwoman. When the surgeon pre-op told me the side-effects of Lap-Band surgery and that many patients allow themselves to get way too tight and into bad habits by starting addictions to Frappuccino and Ice Cream pints… and gain back an average of 30% of their loss, that’s what I did is laugh. Because that was sure as shit NOT going to happen to me!!!

It happened to me. I gained back 30 of my 90 lbs.

So fast forward to recent days when I did the walk of shame after not having been in the office in  months and I sobbed in the double wide chair because I had failed. I had become the statistic I wasn’t going to be. I was humiliated. The staff was pretty supportive but also as firm as new parents. The nutritionist went over the required diet with me and it ended with an I know all this I just can’t do it. You can do it so just do it. The surgeon just had to give me “the look” and I apologized and said I would do anything to go back to when everything was easy and happy and me and Lola were BFFs. It was at that appointment we decided that I would have a complete unfill of saline from my band and we would start over again as if I were brand-new. First and foremost, they had to stop me from puking several times a day, which also has its own horrible consequences and can lead to a band slip which would mean an additional surgery to either fix or remove the device. We also talked about the almost inevitable revision surgery where the band is removed and then a different weight loss surgery is performed at that time such as RNY or Sleeve. I’m not so na├»ve to think that this is all it will be for me since I’m not even 40, and another surgery down the road is more likely than not, but for TODAY it’s just me and Lola and goddamn it, Lola and I need to get our shit together.

I have since been back twice and both times haven’t lost any of my regained weight and both times felt like a real asshole. I am eating what I’m supposed to (but cheating) in the amounts I’m supposed to (kinda) and exercising (lamely) and I am refilled now back up to a 2.5cc of saline. I was up to 5 when all hell broke loose.

And I WISH I could say that’s all that I have going on right now but of course it’s not. I’m still posting smiling photos of my kids, but I’m not in the pictures much anymore. I can’t look at myself because I am so pissed off about such a myriad of bullshit right now. In all this I decided to sell my house (nightmare) and help plan my 20-yr high school reunion (because I’m crazy) and I’m feeling like a shadow in my life and to be quite honest I don’t have the strength within myself to type any of it and you don’t have the listening time available.

So let’s focus on Lola, shall we, and my 30 lb weight-loss that I have to lose…again.

 
But I am still here.

10 comments:

  1. You are a strong and amazing woman. You can and will get through this. You took the first step in getting back on track. Be proud of that. Keep your head up and just keep swimming!! :-)

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  2. You are a strong and amazing woman. You can and will get through this. You took the first step in getting back on track. Be proud of that. Keep your head up and just keep swimming!! :-)

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  3. Rosie....you got this! Aunt Rose

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  4. You have to remember we are here in good and not so good! We are your friends no matter what! In thick times and in thin. No weight loss is easy and we can't do it alone. You are my friend and sister! I love you Rosie and am always here for you! We got this one meal at a time. One moment at a time!

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  5. You have to remember we are here in good and not so good! We are your friends no matter what! In thick times and in thin. No weight loss is easy and we can't do it alone. You are my friend and sister! I love you Rosie and am always here for you! We got this one meal at a time. One moment at a time!

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  6. You can do this Rosie! You are amazing and finding a way to adjust to a new life is not easy. You will figure this all out and I have complete faith in you. Keep your head held high!

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  7. You can do this Rosie! You are amazing and finding a way to adjust to a new life is not easy. You will figure this all out and I have complete faith in you. Keep your head held high!

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  8. First of all... I love you. You are not alone. I am here for you. You are dealing with a lot right now and it's just fucking things up. Damn it LIFE! A lot of what you said resonates with me and I can relate. Just know that you are not alone and I have full faith in you - YOU GOT THIS!

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  9. I'm glad you are still here! Keep at it.

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